It's been a long time since i've posted here. I have had many occasion to do so, but no opportunity, I suppose.
I am at a loss. I ask a question, and immediately I am annoying. I want to hang out with him, and I ask if he will or will just be sleeping, and I get screamed at. I am just so tired of doing everything wrong. I am so tired of feeling like I have to walk around on eggshells. I am so tired of him always assuming I want to fight because I ask a question. I don't want to fight. I hate fighting. He is so mean to me when we are arguing and I just feel like the scum of the earth. And I don't want to feel that way. I wish I could just stop asking any question. I should just keep all my feelings to myself and never say when I am sad or upset. That seems to be the only way he will be happy with me. Ive tried to talk to him and it never gets anywhere. All he does is say something I do to upset him. I am not trying to upset him. or fight. I just want to feel loved. I just want to feel like he is happy to be with me. That he is not miserable every single day because I am such a horrible excuse for a wife.I try so hard to make him happy and nothing i do is right or good enough or anything.
I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so terrible and worthless. I don't know what to do. I love him with everything I have. Am I really so terrible? Am i really such a bitch? Maybe I deserve to be treated like shit. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy or to be treated well. I don't know. I don't think I deserve to be yelled at and swore at because I ask if hes staying up to hang out with me or going back to sleep. I don't think I deserve to be yelled at when I ask about recycling,because there has been more than one occasion where the recycling has not gone out. I wasn't mean or bitchy about it. I was simply asking a question. But no matter what I say hell tell me I was being bitchy. Or starting something. I don't even get it. I am tired too. I do most of the work taking care of the kids. It's tiring. But I want to spend time withJohnny so I try to stay awake and up with him. But if I want him to stay up with me, Im being a bitch, or annoying, or something.
I am so so sad.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday, May 2, 2010
First post
I hate this.
I hate feeling the way I did before. With Josh. I hate feeling so worthless, so unlovable, so unable to do anything right. I hate that things affect me so much, I hate that things John says to me that I shouldn't let me bother me do. But they do. And I can't help it. I am so sensitive. I just wish I could make him understand. It's so hard for me. I love him so much, I expect so much of him. Well no. IT's not that I expect so much, it's just that I expect him to be nothing like Josh. So when he says anything I automatically lose it. I feel like he's insulting me, or belittling me. Because comments take me back to feeling that way and I hate it so much. It's not everything. It's just things that mean a lot to me or things that Josh used to say.
LIke tonight. It was about my mothering. I love PJ so much. I love being his mom. I would never do anything to put him in harm's way, or let him do anything to hurt himself. But I can't be everywhere and do everything. And sometimes he might hurt himself or eat sand or whatever. But he'll be okay. Because kids need to hurt themselves or eat sand sometimes. But John says somethng to me about it and I crack. It makes me feel like I did something bad. Like I failed at that mom duty today. Like PJ is going to be mad at me because of it. But I try so hard to be the best mom I can. and the best wife I can. And I feel like i fail miserably. And often. And I try to tell him and I can't. Because he doesn't get it, or he thinks I am overreacting or he doesn't care or whatever the fuck.
And then he acts like nothing I say matters. And like what's on tv is so important. Just like he did. Except with him it was video games. And I hate seeing him in John. I hate it so much because John is so much better than that. So much more of a man. So much more wonderful and amazing and I love him so much and I hate seeing him be like that. And that is's probably my fault, but why do i have to get made to feel this way. He knows what I went through, but he doesn't see it. He says I was so great to Josh. Because I was scared. I was so scared he would hurt me. Or Neo. BEcause he did hurt Neo, so many times. So many. And I knew it was just a matter of time before he turned it to me. He came close that one time, a few months before he was gone. Pushed me against the wall and almost choked me. ANd I was so scared and I didn't know what to do. SO I had to be nice because I was so scared. Not because he deserved it or because i wanted to be . becasue i was so scared.
I don't want things to upset me this much. I really don't. But I so want him to care when they do. And he just stares at the tv. He doesn't care how sad or upset I am. There's no comforting, no nothing. Just name calling and belittling. And sometimes, I am wrong, and i know that. But I don't deserve to be called those names. I just don't. It makes me so sad. It takes me back to that terrible place where I once was. And I shouldn't be a bitch. But why do I have to be nice and sweet when he was mean to me? Even if he doesn't think he was mean, don't i have tehe right to be upset?? don't i have the right to not be nice and sweet when I feel like my husband is being a jerk to me? He certainly feels he can be an asshole when he feels I am being a bitch. I just don't get it. I hurt so bad. I love him so much and I hate this so much. And I just hate feeling like a failure all the time.
I hate feeling the way I did before. With Josh. I hate feeling so worthless, so unlovable, so unable to do anything right. I hate that things affect me so much, I hate that things John says to me that I shouldn't let me bother me do. But they do. And I can't help it. I am so sensitive. I just wish I could make him understand. It's so hard for me. I love him so much, I expect so much of him. Well no. IT's not that I expect so much, it's just that I expect him to be nothing like Josh. So when he says anything I automatically lose it. I feel like he's insulting me, or belittling me. Because comments take me back to feeling that way and I hate it so much. It's not everything. It's just things that mean a lot to me or things that Josh used to say.
LIke tonight. It was about my mothering. I love PJ so much. I love being his mom. I would never do anything to put him in harm's way, or let him do anything to hurt himself. But I can't be everywhere and do everything. And sometimes he might hurt himself or eat sand or whatever. But he'll be okay. Because kids need to hurt themselves or eat sand sometimes. But John says somethng to me about it and I crack. It makes me feel like I did something bad. Like I failed at that mom duty today. Like PJ is going to be mad at me because of it. But I try so hard to be the best mom I can. and the best wife I can. And I feel like i fail miserably. And often. And I try to tell him and I can't. Because he doesn't get it, or he thinks I am overreacting or he doesn't care or whatever the fuck.
And then he acts like nothing I say matters. And like what's on tv is so important. Just like he did. Except with him it was video games. And I hate seeing him in John. I hate it so much because John is so much better than that. So much more of a man. So much more wonderful and amazing and I love him so much and I hate seeing him be like that. And that is's probably my fault, but why do i have to get made to feel this way. He knows what I went through, but he doesn't see it. He says I was so great to Josh. Because I was scared. I was so scared he would hurt me. Or Neo. BEcause he did hurt Neo, so many times. So many. And I knew it was just a matter of time before he turned it to me. He came close that one time, a few months before he was gone. Pushed me against the wall and almost choked me. ANd I was so scared and I didn't know what to do. SO I had to be nice because I was so scared. Not because he deserved it or because i wanted to be . becasue i was so scared.
I don't want things to upset me this much. I really don't. But I so want him to care when they do. And he just stares at the tv. He doesn't care how sad or upset I am. There's no comforting, no nothing. Just name calling and belittling. And sometimes, I am wrong, and i know that. But I don't deserve to be called those names. I just don't. It makes me so sad. It takes me back to that terrible place where I once was. And I shouldn't be a bitch. But why do I have to be nice and sweet when he was mean to me? Even if he doesn't think he was mean, don't i have tehe right to be upset?? don't i have the right to not be nice and sweet when I feel like my husband is being a jerk to me? He certainly feels he can be an asshole when he feels I am being a bitch. I just don't get it. I hurt so bad. I love him so much and I hate this so much. And I just hate feeling like a failure all the time.
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