Today. Well, the first thing I did wrong today was screw up the appt for the Jeep. Then I didn't hear my phone ring at work because I went to the bathroom -- literally was standing up as I hung up the phone call, and walked away, and when my phone rings it could be mine or 7 other peoples, so I didn't go back to see if he was calling me right back.
Then I left laundry in the wash and dryer. Which is a huge mistake, and I know he hates it, and I fucking forgot. I am tired at night. I don't sleep well. I sleep in three, maybe four hour stretches, if I am lucky, between the kids waking up. I don't think clearly. I forget shit. I wish I didn't, but I do. And now I feel bad.
Again. I feel bad about myself. Worthless. He actually said it is a hassle to be with me. That other than cooking and taking care of the kids I don't do anything for him. Taking care of the kids is a lot of work. I do alot. Sometimes I don't take care of myself. Every morning, I have to get three people ready. I never ask him to. I just change diapers, get breakfast, get dressed, get diaper bag, etc. I enjoy doing this. It's part of being a mommy. Ah, who cares. He'll never care or understand how much really goes into taking care of the kids.
I don't do huge projects. I can't put up drywall, or build a bar. So I don't have a long list of things I do. I don't know why I need to. I hate feeling so worthless, so not good enough. I felt like that for a very long time and I hate that the person who I love more than anything is making me feel that way. I suppose it's my fault. I keep screwing up, so he keeps gettingmad. But does he really have to call me a cunt. A bitch. If I told people that he said those things to me they would be appalled.
Maybe I'm just no good. Maybe I don't deserve him because I am not good enough.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Screw ups of today.
So. Today this is how I screwed up.
I called John and told him he'd have to go to Pete's because we had nothing in the house for dinner. He got annoyed. I was confused since he said he had no problem going to Pete's. He said he didn't feel like it and we just went to Target. I said that Target doesn't sell meat, and he knows we haven't been grocery shopping. He said there had to be something in the house. He'd just have peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently, this exchange on my part was me causing trouble. It bothers me that he disregards the fact that there's nothing for me to eat in the house. It bothers me that he said he'd go to Pete's, but the past 2-3 times I've said we needed stuff from there, he's not gone and been annoyed about it.
Also, PJ's not feeling too great, so I am leaving an hour early. But that's a problem because it's stupid because I can't leave NOW since I have no train till 345. That's also stupid. So now it's stupid that I am leaving early, nad because he thinks it's pointless, I don't care what he thinks.
Sigh. I need to kill him with kindness. I know I think I'm being normal, but he thinks it's bitchy or attitude or whatever. So I am just going to be over the top sweet because I am really sad that no matter what I seem to do it never makes a difference.
I am going to start writing down every day what I did to upset him.
In Summary:
So now, I'm not sweet or nice. There is something wrong with me.
I called John and told him he'd have to go to Pete's because we had nothing in the house for dinner. He got annoyed. I was confused since he said he had no problem going to Pete's. He said he didn't feel like it and we just went to Target. I said that Target doesn't sell meat, and he knows we haven't been grocery shopping. He said there had to be something in the house. He'd just have peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently, this exchange on my part was me causing trouble. It bothers me that he disregards the fact that there's nothing for me to eat in the house. It bothers me that he said he'd go to Pete's, but the past 2-3 times I've said we needed stuff from there, he's not gone and been annoyed about it.
Also, PJ's not feeling too great, so I am leaving an hour early. But that's a problem because it's stupid because I can't leave NOW since I have no train till 345. That's also stupid. So now it's stupid that I am leaving early, nad because he thinks it's pointless, I don't care what he thinks.
Sigh. I need to kill him with kindness. I know I think I'm being normal, but he thinks it's bitchy or attitude or whatever. So I am just going to be over the top sweet because I am really sad that no matter what I seem to do it never makes a difference.
I am going to start writing down every day what I did to upset him.
In Summary:
- I caused trouble because I didn't accept him not feeling like it as a reason to not go to Pete's
- Everything is one sided
- I don't listen
So now, I'm not sweet or nice. There is something wrong with me.
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