So

It's been a long time since i've posted here.   I have had many occasion to do so, but no opportunity, I suppose.

I am at a loss.  I ask a question, and immediately I am annoying.  I want to hang out with him, and I ask if he will or will just be sleeping, and I get screamed at.  I am just so tired of doing everything wrong.  I am so tired of feeling like I have to walk around on eggshells. I am so tired of him always assuming I want to fight because I ask a question.  I don't want to fight.  I hate fighting.  He is so mean to me when we are arguing and I just feel like the scum of the earth.  And I don't want to feel that way.  I wish I could just stop asking any question.  I should just keep all my feelings to myself and never say when I am sad or upset.   That seems to be the only way he will be happy with me.  Ive tried to talk to him and it never gets anywhere.  All he does is say something I do to upset him.  I am not trying to upset him.  or fight.  I just want to feel loved.  I just want to feel like he is happy to be with me.  That he is not miserable every single day because I am such a horrible excuse for a wife.I try so hard to make him happy and nothing i do is right or good enough or anything.

I hate feeling this way.  I hate feeling so terrible and worthless.  I don't know what to do. I love him with everything I have.   Am I really so terrible?  Am i really such a bitch?  Maybe I deserve to be treated like shit.  Maybe I don't deserve to be happy or to be treated well.  I don't know.  I don't think I deserve to be yelled at and swore at because I ask if hes staying up to hang out with me or going back to sleep.  I don't think I deserve to be yelled at when I ask about recycling,because there has been more than one occasion where the recycling has not gone out.  I wasn't mean or bitchy about it.  I was simply asking a question.  But no matter what I say hell tell me I was being bitchy. Or starting something. I don't even get it.  I am tired too.  I do most of the work taking care of the kids.  It's tiring.  But I want to spend time withJohnny so I try to stay awake and up with him.  But if I want him to stay up with me, Im being a bitch, or annoying, or something. 

I am so so sad.